Tears I Needed To Cry

Yesterday was a hard day over here. Most days I’m doing okay but some days my emotions take over and I struggle. This happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I began seeing pregnancy announcements popping up for our “should be” due date and it happened again yesterday as I read stories of loss shared in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I almost didn’t share the way I was feeling because, to be honest, so many of the stories seemed bigger and harder than mine. But if you guys have taught me anything through your comments and words of support, it’s to honor my feelings, lean into my grief and feel what I need to feel. And sometimes it feels like feeling too much and the tears keep coming.

Since I know some of you guys do not have Instagram and only read the blog, I wanted to share what I wrote on Instagram and Facebook yesterday with the hope that someone out there might feel less alone in their sadness. And for anyone struggling through miscarriage or the loss of a precious little one, I am holding you in my heart. I hate that this is something that connects so many of us and I am sending you so much love. Thank you for allowing me a space where I feel comfortable sharing my heart with all of you knowing I’ll be met with kindness and support time and time again. It means so much to me.

Here is the message I wrote yesterday as I thought about the three precious babies we lost on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day:

Miscarriage is horrible and hard and painful and isolating and just when you think you’re “handling it” and “doing okay” something will smack you in the face and the grief will bubble up and you’ll find yourself breathless and crying in your car. Today’s tears began flowing as I read stories from mothers sharing their heartbreaking losses as they remember their precious babies during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’m so glad a day like this exists even if it is really, really sad. It helped me cry tears I clearly needed to cry. ⠀

As I read words filled with so much longing and grief, my heart began aching and it all came rushing back. ⠀
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I thought about the first two babies we lost. I thought about the moments before my two previous D&Cs when I found myself sobbing because I knew I was moments away from never being physically close to my babies on earth again. I thought about our most recent loss. I thought about the moment I had to quickly stop playing “adventure hikers” with Chase because I felt cramping and a throbbing pain and I ended up passing our baby in the bathroom.⠀
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To be honest, I feel like I’ve handled this loss with just about as much strength as I have inside of me but for some reason today I felt the grief from our losses compound. I found myself feeling so impossibly sad that I now have three babies in heaven that I cannot snuggle and love on and chase after every day. I felt the weight of everything and began spiraling down an unhelpful road of “whys,” “should bes” and “if onlys.” I felt my strength waver. ⠀
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And then I had this thought: Maybe it’s okay NOT to be strong sometimes. Maybe it’s okay to be really sad and frustrated and angry and heartbroken. Maybe it’s okay to dissolve into tears the second I reach my car after keeping it together in public. Maybe it’s okay to feel really freaking thankful for my two wonderful healthy boys one moment and really freaking sad about the loss of three babies the next. ⠀
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I know from my past experiences that this loss will make me softer but it will also make me stronger. I may not feel that strength today or tomorrow but it will come… eventually.

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